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| It's been almost a week since my mother left me in charge of the family and household. So far, it's been crazy. It has made me realize a lot of things though and it has made me appreciate how much my mother does for this family.
I've woken up pretty much at 5:30 everyday since she's left; not because I needed to study or go to work. It was because I needed to tend to my family. I have packed my father's lunch and my brothers. Some other things I got done in the mornings were make the daily soup and tea for the day. The first day I was very lost in the pantry's since my mother never labeled anything in the fridge or in the cabinets. I made due by looking at the items and inspecting them but it would have been much easier if she had labeled. I understood though that she was mainly the one in the kitchen and she needed no labels since she knew what everything was.
6:15 rolled on by. My father's lunch is packed and he leaves for work. Next was packing my brother's lunch and waking up my sister. I poured the tea into a huge pitcher. There, chamomile tea is ready for the day and for everyone to drink from. As I worked on chopping the veggies and meat, time seemed to fly right by and it was already 7am. Time to wake up my brother.
Waking him up was a little challenging but we got through it since he is responsible after all. I laid out his school uniform that I had washed for him and gave everything to him. As I prepared his breakfast, time almost seemed like it sped through. I combed his hair, helped him wash his face and his teeth. He ate his breakfast but I was concerned it was not enough. He doesn't like to eat a lot in the mornings since it makes him sick. I gave him mylanta so that his stomach would upset him in school. 7:30 hits and its time to leave.
Picked up my two cousins and then 4 minutes later I drop them off at the school. Goodbyes and take care are said.
As I drove home I couldn't left but think how sleepy I was. No time to nap. Must finish making the soup and clean the house. My sister would leave for school or I'd have to take her. It worked either way. It depended. I was so nervous leaving her home by herself on the day I had class. I said to myself, "Is this how mom feels when she's worried about what her children do?". I was worried about whether my brother would have enough to eat and if my dad was satisfied with his dinner. Everything. My mother depended on me to take care of them while she was away.
The days I'd cook I'd hope that my father and siblings liked the food I cooked. I just want to make them comfortable and normal as possible while my mother was away. I tried my hardest.
I really felt like a mom and housewife. I somewhat didn't like it but still I kinda did. I'm half-and-half. I'm not quite ready to have a family just yet it made me realize. I also realized how much I love my family that I would do this much for them and I didn't want my mother to worry about them while she was gone. It was hard but it was something I'll always remember. This was the first time my mother was away from her family. It felt weird but we managed.
She'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I'm picking her up. I can't wait to see her. I want her to be proud of me and proud to have me as her daughter. I love her that much that I did this. I love my family this much that I'd take care of them like this if something were to ever happen to my mother, god-forbid.
I thought about this on the car ride home today from class during rush hour. I just wanted to get home. I didn't care about the traffic that I hate so much to drive in. I just wanted to get home to them. Then I thought about the reason my mother left to go to Peru. Because of my late aunt.
I thought about the times when I'd go to Peru with the family and she'd always be there to tend to us. She'd take care of us during our stay. She'd cook, wash our clothes, take us out to places and make us feel as comfortable as possible. She was such an amazing person. She loved us all dearly. She was very funny; always cracking jokes and making us laugh. I remember all those times since I was a toddler; she was there. But now...who'll be there when I come back to Peru? Who'd going to wait for us at the airport with that big smile and contagious laughter she always had. Who'll be there? She was the closest person I knew in Peru and she's gone.
I almost hate to say this but I was really questioning God about all this. Why her? why did this have to happen.
She was healthy when she called me on my birthday. Another thing I will miss about her is her calls during holidays and birthdays. I miss her.
It all happened so fast and I hate the fact that there wasn't enough time given to her. She lived only a few months after her diagnosis.
I was in denial. I was until today.
I think all these thoughts today made me finally breakdown; the stress and what has happened the past few days.
I'm depressed now but I know it'll go away in a bit when our lives will regress to normalcy once my mother comes back tomorrow. I'm not sure. I know my mother is still hurt and in pain that her older sister has pasted away. I'm sad too. We're all sad but we can't do anything now. God has plans for her as he does for all of us. We just have to make the best out of whatever it is.
I still have faith. I still believe in God. But right now, I think I need a break of some sort. I'm not sure. I feel like lockign myself up this weekend but at the same time I feel like going out and taking a breather since I haven't really gone out since last week. I need distractions.
I'll get better. It just takes time.
Thinking about all of this made me tear up. I cried, not sobbed, but cried.
At first I didn't know why I was crying. I thought why now? why here? | | |
| It's been awhile since I've written a nice blog about being happy and content about where I am in my love life...
This xanga has always most of the time focused on the past and about him.
Now is time for a change...and introduce a blog that I can finally feel confident about because this is truly how I feel...how I feel about you...not "him" but.... him<3
~I had hopes of wanting to write about you and how happy you make me feel; how special you make me feel and how you make me feel so wanted in your life. After tonight, I'm happy to write this blog about you because I can express all these feelings I have about you.
Looking back at the past and how we wound up meeting you has always been on my mind. I thought about the many encounters we've probably had in our lifetime and yet we we're never formally introduced to each other even though we had many mutual friends. I wondered what if we did wind up meeting each other back then and how it would be like right now. I always think about it and how come we didn't meet back then; everything would have been different...much different.
When I saw you at the Carteret Waterfront, playing with your band, you very much caught my attention. Not only because you were asian (hahaha) but there was something about you that I can't put my finger on. It was something. It made me want to say hi and introduce myself for some odd reason. I'm not usually like that but something in me said to do it. I was too shy. I wanted to get introduced to you by some sort of chance. When you guys got done I'd figured maybe not to say hi and leave for Katie's birthday (plus we needed to get the liquor before the store closed). We left.
A couple hours and a few drinks later at Katies house you appeared. WTH?!
This was my chance to introduce myself as a host since Katie had disappeared. You looked so happy that I had done that; you looked glad and so warm. I could tell you were a very nice person just by that introduction. After that I don't remember what happened; I ran off to take pictures and you went to mingle somewhere else.
A week later, we talked through messages (well I added you because I met you at the party and you were on my feed since our mutual friends added you). I commented a few of your posts and from there you messaged me. It's funny how many things we had to talk about. It's scary thinking back to it what we spoke about. And then you mentioned about meeting up at that carnival. In my head I thought 'HA, like I'll meet you one on one. No wayyy maybe". I didn't think much of it but it was there. Funny, we met a few days later thanks to Stenger...
-ring ring-
Me: "Helloooo"
Stenger: "I've got some news for you little missy."
Me: "Oh yea? What's up?"
Stenger: "Somebody's interested in youuuu"
Me: "hahahaha I think I know who you're talking about"
Stenger: "Oh yea?? It's Chris."
Me: "How did this go down?"
Stenger proceeded to to explain about the bands and promoting and he mentioned if I was going to the carnival with them. It was kind of cute that I actually sparked his attention that he'd snoop around and figure out that we all hang out a lot.
-to be continued- :) | | |
| "I'm glad that I've found you, my friend, who's smart, who's willing to be open minded..someone who's in terms with reality and know what she can and cannot do. I appreciate your visions for your future and I'm totally sure and confident that you will do well for your future. If you're motivated enough to be the best person that you are, not just in personality, but also in your school and life, you'll get a lot of compliments, especially coming from me. Keep your mind focused and hopefully I'll learn a great deal from you...I know I will...=]
I could see that you'll live your life happily ever after..haha, that's if you manage to get a high-paying job, get married and have children and so on and be happy, and I know you soooo totally will!! ^_^
for that i'll give you a BIG hug 0------(^_^)------0
hehe, luv ya lots. "
I'll always cherish these words of yours. Even though you left, these words keep me going and will always be in my heart and head. | | |
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It was a late spring-like afternoon in New Jersey. I was getting my things together to start my errands and I heard my cellphone ring. I glanced at the phone number and a name...a name and number that I had thought I erased from my phone but looks like it was stuck to the memory card. It was you... You're calling me....
My heart started racing. My hands began to shake as I held the phone. I sighed and took a deep breath and pushed the button to receive the call. It was you... Why were you calling me? I let out a light Hello and waited for his answer...
The sound of your voice was just like how I remembered it would be. I was nervous answering that phone call but I did and you talked. We talked. I don't know what we talked about but it continued to you saying that you were in town for a while and asked if I wanted to hang out with him for the day. I didn't hesitate and said I would. I knew I had to tell my boyfriend this right after we hung up. I told him and he was okay with it...
We decided to meet up somewhere and to hang out for the rest of the day. I felt guilty going out with you even though I had told my boyfriend I was going to spending the day with you and he was alright with it. It was weird but at the same time I was glad in an odd way that I was going to see him...to see you.
For once at that moment, I was happy. I was glad we could talk like friends and catch up with things. We walked arounf the park and sat down on a bench. You asked me about how school was going and why I would ever choose to go to philly and commute there. I said "Because I fell in love with the city and there's so much going on over there!". He laughed and said "You're crazy". I was silent but then I smiled because it reminded me of how well he knows me even though it's been so long. I said, "They have frozen yogurt places around here like how they have them in Cali! We should get some!". He replied "Those have been around for a long time. We should just walk around here for a little bit more."
It's funny how I realized he hasn't changed one bit when he responds to my questions.
We sat together and talked that entire afternoon about everything. It was friendly. It was funny. It was enjoyable.
I couldn't remember the last time we talked like this ever since the fights had started between us.
He got closer and closer to me and finally he said that it was time for him to go. I remained seated on the bench and said simply "ok" to the side . He got up, stood in front of me and as I turned my head to face him, he leaned in and kissed me. Twice.
He took me by surprise. It was too quick... He pecked me once and I looked at him very confused/shocked/sad....
I felt guilt run through my entire body...and then he did it again.
For some reason, I didn't even turn away and he pecked at me again but then I turned my head the other away with disgust. I covered my mouth and felt this entire wave of guilt wash over me. Why did I let him do that the second time? Why?
My dream ended...I woke up. I felt like I had seen you. It felt so real. I had goosebumps run through my entire body and...at that moment...as I was laying in my bed... I longed for it to be real...to talk like that. But then I felt bad about how the end of that dream turned out. Could this happen? Is the reason I had this dream because I always hope that one day it could happen? Why?
All I can ask is why.....?
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| Do you remember?
Back when, we fell in love in your best friends basement
Spun the bottle and hoped it would land on you
Thought we were cool, listening to Zeppelin
Making out on the stairway to heaven
Nowhere to go, so we slept out on the roof
But now, we hardly even speak, at all
Looking back, how did we get away?
I never thought that we'd surrender
When i was yours and you were mine
Never regret, no, we learned how to love
When we were young
When we were young
Snuck out in your daddy's ride
at the drive in, making love for the first time
Forget thhe silver screen, it's a wonderful life
But now, we hardly even speak, at all
Looking back, how did we get away?
I never thought that we'd surrender
When i was yours and you were mine
Never regret, no, we learned how to love
When we were young and still together
No, there was nothing left to prove
Never regret no, we learned how to love
When we were young and reckless
Dumb and fearless
Fighting in the streets
Will you remember me?
Young forever, back then
Never knew the first love's the hardest
I never thought that we'd surrender
When i was yours and you were mine
Never regret, no, we learned how to love
When we were young and still tgether
No, there was othing left to prove
Never regret, no we learned how to love
When we were young | | |
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